Singles Advice From Your Married Friend.
Here are my words of wisdom to single queens:
1. Stop committing to men who haven’t committed to you.
First of all sis, enjoy! Enjoy your time to grow, learn, develop, and become whole on your own. I’ve been married for 10 years now and if I could go back and do some things differently I would. I don’t have any regrets, don’t get me wrong, but there are developmental things that are personal, that were rushed, or placed on the back burner because I became someone’s wife prematurely. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t believe that 20 somethings have any business getting married.
I’ve posted this concept before and got a lot of backlash. Welp, as you can see, I meant that thing, because I’m saying it again with my whole chest! LOL While a lot of people agreed with me, there were quite a few who got married young as well, and totally disagreed stating that it worked out for them. Well, duh! We can make anything work. But sometimes we leave unnecessary bruises and scars when we have to heal from immaturity in a relationship. Growing up together means just that, growing up, and I believe you should be grown up before entering.
When you speak on growing through things in a marriage, people automatically assume infidelity. Chile, no. It is so much more to it than that. I’m specifically referring to the pain you cause your partner when you aren’t whole as an individual. The pain that is caused by passing your traumas and insecurities onto them. The pain that is caused by making them pay for the mistakes someone else in your past made, because you never fully healed from it. The pain that is caused when your partner desperately needs you to meet them where they are, but you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to do so, because again, you’re still battling through things that should’ve never entered the marriage. The pain that is caused when you don't even know yourself enough to articulate your own needs, but then get upset when he misses the mark.
Just because you CAN pull through that, doesn’t mean you should put that weight on the relationship, nor does it guarantee you will pull through. We see how many of our peers are divorced already. That’s a real thing that I won't overlook. There are reasons for that. Many I have listed already.
So anyway, that reminded me of a conversation I had recently with one of my best friends that led to why women settle so blatantly and so often. He was describing an encounter he’d had with a woman and it annoyed me so bad. I was like “but I can’t understand why she would even go for that.” He replied: “blog about it, help your sisters!” LOL So S/O to him. He gave me the topic name and everything! LOL
Truthfully, the situation he was describing wasn’t unique. We see it every single day where women settle for much less than they deserve. We hear the infamous phrase, “oh that could never be me" any time it’s regarding another woman’s shortcomings. But I have to wonder, who are the women that are enduring this behavior if it’s not annnnyyyy of us? Right, I don’t believe it either.
We usually like to blame and bash men, and while some of them are pure trash, they can’t do anything that we don’t allow. Period. Where does the accountability come in for having standards and enforcing them? And I mean beyond social media where every woman is heartless and pimping. What about accountability for the types of mates that we choose? Scratch that, let's start at the types of people we even attract and why? Dig into that, it's power there, I promise.
It saddens me to see so many women so desperate for men who are not worthy of their time. I totally understand the biological clock thing, but sis let’s be real, it’s 2020, you don’t need a ring to have a child, if that’s truly what your heart desires. I mean that with all the respect in the world. I believe in the Black family structure for sure and it is a necessity. However, gone are the days of women having to chose between love, family and career.
We can have ALL of it! More importantly, we can have it in whatever order, or desire type that we chose. It does not have to look like the relationship structure of our parents, our neighbors, or even our friends. However, I can't stress enough how important it is to be honest with yourself because women do tend to go along with things that they aren't really happy about, but claim they are to keep a relationship. For instance, saying you're ok with children before marriage when really you're not, but you do it to appease him. That's totally different than knowing for yourself that marriage isn't for you and deciding accordingly.
Call me old school, but I still believe in a man courting a woman. I believe in a man being a man. I believe in a man treating a woman like a queen. I believe in a man providing, leading, and having a plan for his family. I don’t believe in women paying for the first date. I don’t’ believe in women getting on one knee to propose to men. I don’t believe in women guiding the courtship, to the relationship, to the marriage, and then the family.
Men are natural hunters. If they want you, they will come and get you! There would be absolutely nothing able stand in their way. Women however convince themselves otherwise and start to think that they can fix it. You can’t sis. He’ll have fun with you for a while, but at the end of the day, you’re going to be the one heartbroken in the end, because you were never his choice, you were just a convenience.
Here are my words of wisdom to single queens:
1. Stop committing to men who haven’t committed to you.
Why is this a thing? I don’t know a single man willing to do this, but a woman will halt her entire life for a man who hasn’t even so much as lied to her about their status. He is straight up single, and she is married (mentally). Please make it make sense. This includes girlfriends posing as wives. We just give it all away so freely. I believe in levels and in my opinion, relationships shouldn't reach certain levels, until there are accountability measures in place that protects each level. For instance, if your name is going on my bank account, best believe my name is already on your life insurance policy. Capeesh? LOL
2. Stop being afraid to express your boundaries and requirements.
He’s either going to step up or he’s not. If he’s not, then why prolong your own heartache? One thing I’ve learned for sure about people is that you cannot change them. Too often women make the mistake of thinking that we can change men. We can’t. Nor can they change us which is why we should hold firm to our boundaries and standards. If he doesn't want a relationship (with you - that part is always silent), you doing your best sex move on him will not change that. He will just call you more often for sex. You still won't get the relationship.
3. Know exactly what you want before trying to articulate it to someone else.
That means you need to be sure of yourself and confident of your worth.
Do the work in you to be whole first. Figure out your boundaries, your triggers, your desires, your goals, your needs, your non-negotiables, your deal breakers, your love language, your passion, your happiness. An unfair expectation that another human being can make you happy AND sustain you will lead to disappointment. They can only add to your happiness. Most marriages don’t survive, or withstand unnecessary grief, because both parties usually aren’t whole to start with.
4. Stop making it hard for other women.
This whole pick-me movement excuses men from the responsibility of basic chivalry. Pick me women often want to pay for the first date, give him free sex in the car, and then brag on social media that they did it. Then when a woman with standards steps in she is deemed unreasonable in her demands of elementary level basics. This bottom of the barrel treatment then gets passed on as acceptable because so many have tolerated it. Understand me, THIS IS NOT OK! How did it come to this?
5. Pick a father over a husband.
With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce in the U.S., we should all assume that even marriage isn’t guaranteed. My best friend always says “I am the only person guaranteed to be with me my whole life.” So pick someone who will be a dedicated father regardless of relationship status. Someone who is hardworking, dependable, financially stable, and secure. Pick someone mature enough to see you with another partner if that's where life leads you, but won't use that as an excuse to neglect his responsibilities.
6. Step outside of your box.
We sometimes sacrifice our own blessings for familiarity. If that hasn’t been working before, what is the harm in trying something else? I know you like them tall, dark, and handsome, but he might be dark Puerto Rican sis. I’m just saying, be open! And have fun in the process. I get so upset with my friends when they have the opportunity but won’t even explore. I need for the grandma act to be retired from all my single ladies starting in 2021. Do better! LOL😊
I just want to remind you of the power that you hold as a woman. I mean we’re currently witnessing the first woman ever to hold the title of Vice President of the U.S. Now is not the time to be settling. For me, I’ve always been a lover of women, but the last few years, I’ve really been on some super black girl magic, queen things, sisterhood, support stuff. Too often, women cave to societal norms and pressures at the expense of their true desires in a relationship. Do it exactly how you want. Know yourself to even know how you want your relationship to look. Then don’t settle or apologize. Ever.
With Love,
Michelle L.